Worst Trip Part I: Queue wait Airlines

or just drop the K and make it UWAIT as someone wisecracked. Either way...
Not that it was entirely their fault. I can understand bad weather delays in winter. But I have to say this trip made a turn for the worse and then flew unwaveringly in that direction. Funny that the post on the return flight after my Eurotrip should come before my adventures there but guess I was having too much fun to blog while in Europe.

On arriving at the airport we were greeted with the fact that my 11.30 flight was already 3 hours behind schedule. I somehow found an isolated corner to nod off in the labyrinthine maze called Fraport (which sounds like a warm coffee trading cove in Jamaica and which it most decidedly was not) but the noble Denial spirit can take adversity with the best of them so I gallantly maintained a brave face even while snoozing.

The security check was a breeze. A very chilly one that makes you shiver once you've stripped off all but the last layer of clothing. Somehow the guy with the metal detector took a fancy to my shoes and decided that something smelt fishy about them. I was inclined to agree with him and didn't offer any resistance even when he made off with them. I believe he was searching for the perfect pair for himself and wanted to try mine on for size. The fact that I had to go through the whole process twice endeared these efficient individuals to me all the more. I promised to praise them in public whenever I could.

Misery loves company and I was glad to have two guys I knew along with me for the flight....sorry, the wait. One of them, the owner of the joke mentioned above had decided to lug along some beverages of the non non alcoholic variety which turned out to be a pain in the as(s) we shall later see.

I ascertained from sources that the incoming flight from Geneva had only started at 2pm and so I had a reasonable estimate of a 4pm takeoff time from Frankfurt. Since I didn't share this knowledge with the general public it was funny to see them jump at every announcement with hope and fall back with despair. But conservative estimates are made to be broken. After having waited 4 hours at the airport we then waited half an hour in the bus staring at our plane for god knows what.

Repeated announcements thanking us for our patience only served to test it further. The icing on the cake was of course the hour long delay after getting on the plane. The pilot thanked us for choosing Kuwait Airlines, a ghastly ironic joke at which I would have laughed had I not been drained of energy and emotion already.When the plane finally started moving the passengers actually applauded, no doubt thinking that positive affirmation was the way to improve the situation.

But alas, my nightmares were only beginning. To my left a largish individual had comfortably engulfed the window seat and the fight for the armrest was over before it started. I gave up hope of pushing the Golem aside after two tries that left me panting. I decided that if the mountain won't move away from Mohammad then Mohammad must go away from the mountain. To top it all off he was already sawing wood. He looked like he did it for a living. Why did he have to do it in his sleep too?!

To my horror the family to my right seemed to have not one, not two but five babies! Now don't get me wrong I love babies just as much as the other guy does...if the other guy was Jonathan Swift. And yeah I am kidding. But I prefer to enjoy other people's babies, just like other people's dogs. That way you can admire the little cutie pies without having to go through all the messy parts of their upbringing. IMO parents who successfully bring up their children to be a useful part of society deserve a medal.

But nothing could have prepared me for the unholy racket made by these little buggers. I couldn't decide whether to curse or to find some choice biblical passage for exorcising the banshees that appeared to have possessed this lot. To say that they were screaming would be like saying that Saddam Hussein was a naughty boy. Together with the deep basso lumberjack on my left they pretty much covered both extremes of the the audible spectrum. Perfect quadrophonic sound with distortion levels so low as to make a brave man weep and believe me,I did. I just had to play rhythm and we could start a death metal band. We could call it Insomaniacs.

If the dad had started a conversation with me at that point somehow I am sure it would have turned towards eugenics and birth control. He and I were having a cold war. It started with him glaring at me, when I was on the phone while the plane was still on the ground waiting, as if to say "How dare you use your phone in the plane? What a jerk! Don't you know it interferes with the communication blah blah blah". To which I gave him a look that said " Man, We're still on the ground and we're not even moving! Besides right now, my phone just uses one band. Your daughter there is broadcasting an infinite bandwidth white noise signal.". I don't think he got it :(

Here is where I noticed a distinct advantage of having a blog. Usually I'd be so mad by now that I'd be steaming at my ears. Now I was thinking "This is so bad I can actually rant about it! Just wait, you losers. I will have my revenge mwahahahahah!". So I did something absolutely positively evil. I woke up the man mountain next to me and asked HIM for a pen so I could write down all that I hated about this trip. Mwahahahahaah. I'd recommend a blog as an effective anger management solution any day.

Finally we landed at our stopover in Kuwait. We were only 7.5 hours delayed. With the connecting flight long gone we waited to see what would happen. More of this sad tale in part II.

cushion of safety

I know these are tough times for the Indian Airline Industry, but some cost cutting measures can border on the outright ludicrous. I recently had the pleasure of travelling by Jet Lite from Mumbai and their latest in cheap really chilled my spine!

Being really tired I was just about to doze off during the pre-flight briefing when I heard the announcer say it.

" Between Rows xxx and yyy we have removed all life jackets! Instead we give you the amazing floating seat cushion!! It makes a water landing a fun filled experience for the whole family!" With two plastic strips that are too wide to be of any use, you'll just have to hug the cushion for dear life till help get here!

In fact, for that added thrill, we make it a little more challenging for rescue teams to save you. We did away with the lights on the vest to make it virtually impossible to see you in the dark.

Have a nice flight!"

Looking at the air hostess running through the drill, I wondered how she could keep a straight face while asking people to use that piece of junk.

I mean just think what would happen if there were kids on board. Obviously they can't hug a seat cushion. And only if your dad was an olympic gymnast could he hold u and your kid brother while hugging a seat that just may float. But that picture makes it look all too easy.
I mean how hard can it be?! In fact I can run you through it right now:

Step I: The plane's just crashed onto water. Fires have started in the electricals and smoke is filling the cabin. Don't mind the disorientation of dropping oh say, 20,000 feet~! and crashing onto something that would have the consistency of concrete under those conditions...Just remain calm and start tugging your seat while people around you calmly do the same.

Step II: If you manage to rip off the seat from its place, put your arms around the seat and hug it with all your strength because standard issue seat cushions aren't going to be a snug fit.

Step III: In this fashion exit the aircraft from the aircraft and dive into the sea.

Step IV: Enjoy your swim! This is aptly illustrated by the fully dressed man looking comfortable in the picturesque blue sea, lying on the cushion just as if he were on his living room sofa.

It was enough to make the strongest atheist start praying. But when I looked around people were still as relaxed and nonchalant as ever. It wasn't like we could have immediately done anything about it but even showing the slightest concern to match the frozen expression on my face would have been nice. I guess fatalism is still in vogue.