Worst Trip Part I: Queue wait Airlines

or just drop the K and make it UWAIT as someone wisecracked. Either way...
Not that it was entirely their fault. I can understand bad weather delays in winter. But I have to say this trip made a turn for the worse and then flew unwaveringly in that direction. Funny that the post on the return flight after my Eurotrip should come before my adventures there but guess I was having too much fun to blog while in Europe.

On arriving at the airport we were greeted with the fact that my 11.30 flight was already 3 hours behind schedule. I somehow found an isolated corner to nod off in the labyrinthine maze called Fraport (which sounds like a warm coffee trading cove in Jamaica and which it most decidedly was not) but the noble Denial spirit can take adversity with the best of them so I gallantly maintained a brave face even while snoozing.

The security check was a breeze. A very chilly one that makes you shiver once you've stripped off all but the last layer of clothing. Somehow the guy with the metal detector took a fancy to my shoes and decided that something smelt fishy about them. I was inclined to agree with him and didn't offer any resistance even when he made off with them. I believe he was searching for the perfect pair for himself and wanted to try mine on for size. The fact that I had to go through the whole process twice endeared these efficient individuals to me all the more. I promised to praise them in public whenever I could.

Misery loves company and I was glad to have two guys I knew along with me for the flight....sorry, the wait. One of them, the owner of the joke mentioned above had decided to lug along some beverages of the non non alcoholic variety which turned out to be a pain in the as(s) we shall later see.

I ascertained from sources that the incoming flight from Geneva had only started at 2pm and so I had a reasonable estimate of a 4pm takeoff time from Frankfurt. Since I didn't share this knowledge with the general public it was funny to see them jump at every announcement with hope and fall back with despair. But conservative estimates are made to be broken. After having waited 4 hours at the airport we then waited half an hour in the bus staring at our plane for god knows what.

Repeated announcements thanking us for our patience only served to test it further. The icing on the cake was of course the hour long delay after getting on the plane. The pilot thanked us for choosing Kuwait Airlines, a ghastly ironic joke at which I would have laughed had I not been drained of energy and emotion already.When the plane finally started moving the passengers actually applauded, no doubt thinking that positive affirmation was the way to improve the situation.

But alas, my nightmares were only beginning. To my left a largish individual had comfortably engulfed the window seat and the fight for the armrest was over before it started. I gave up hope of pushing the Golem aside after two tries that left me panting. I decided that if the mountain won't move away from Mohammad then Mohammad must go away from the mountain. To top it all off he was already sawing wood. He looked like he did it for a living. Why did he have to do it in his sleep too?!

To my horror the family to my right seemed to have not one, not two but five babies! Now don't get me wrong I love babies just as much as the other guy does...if the other guy was Jonathan Swift. And yeah I am kidding. But I prefer to enjoy other people's babies, just like other people's dogs. That way you can admire the little cutie pies without having to go through all the messy parts of their upbringing. IMO parents who successfully bring up their children to be a useful part of society deserve a medal.

But nothing could have prepared me for the unholy racket made by these little buggers. I couldn't decide whether to curse or to find some choice biblical passage for exorcising the banshees that appeared to have possessed this lot. To say that they were screaming would be like saying that Saddam Hussein was a naughty boy. Together with the deep basso lumberjack on my left they pretty much covered both extremes of the the audible spectrum. Perfect quadrophonic sound with distortion levels so low as to make a brave man weep and believe me,I did. I just had to play rhythm and we could start a death metal band. We could call it Insomaniacs.

If the dad had started a conversation with me at that point somehow I am sure it would have turned towards eugenics and birth control. He and I were having a cold war. It started with him glaring at me, when I was on the phone while the plane was still on the ground waiting, as if to say "How dare you use your phone in the plane? What a jerk! Don't you know it interferes with the communication blah blah blah". To which I gave him a look that said " Man, We're still on the ground and we're not even moving! Besides right now, my phone just uses one band. Your daughter there is broadcasting an infinite bandwidth white noise signal.". I don't think he got it :(

Here is where I noticed a distinct advantage of having a blog. Usually I'd be so mad by now that I'd be steaming at my ears. Now I was thinking "This is so bad I can actually rant about it! Just wait, you losers. I will have my revenge mwahahahahah!". So I did something absolutely positively evil. I woke up the man mountain next to me and asked HIM for a pen so I could write down all that I hated about this trip. Mwahahahahaah. I'd recommend a blog as an effective anger management solution any day.

Finally we landed at our stopover in Kuwait. We were only 7.5 hours delayed. With the connecting flight long gone we waited to see what would happen. More of this sad tale in part II.

A-hole in the Zeiling

Last week in Frankfurt means walking around random malls looking for shit to buy. Sad, I know. Anyway at this weird looking mall called My Zeil(apparently the architects were looking to recreate a wormhole. Looking at the prices inside I got the hidden symbolism...it was a wormhole in your wallet) there was a huge rush at this strange looking store with people waiting in line to enter. Yes, it would not be weird in India but here its a wtf.

We couldn't make out what all the fuss was about anyway. Suspiciously the store architecture looked like a typical traditional Kerala house resplendent with the coconut trees and tiled roof. Actually reminded me of mine too. Discreet enquiries with a person standing in line revealed that 'a new US store was in town called something like Holler...Holster'. Hah..Even he didn't know.

Wasn't funny till I read Maddox's fashion tips on Hollister. Suckers

The Ski Trip

At some point during your stay in Europe you will begin to tire of churches, statues, bridges, monuments, ruins and the rest. Seeing is one thing but doing is much better. That is how the search for a different experience on the Eurotrip led us to the Ski town of Saas Fee in the Valais, home to some of the best all year ski slopes in Europe. Not for us the mundane train rides to the Jungfrau or the Titlis (where I am told the restaurants even have signs in Hindi). However not knowing the first thing about skiing this would be, in the words of the one and only Barney Stintson ‘legen… wait for it… dary!’.

Saas Fee turned out to be really beautiful and there was not an Indian or a non European in sight. Unique experience… CHECK.

What with all the ski schools closed the day we landed up there and the lady at the rental shop actually dissuading us from trying on our own (even though it’s bad for her business!), we almost gave up hope of being able to try the slope. But out of sheer bloody mindedness we decided to just shove caution out the back door and give it a shot. Apparently the beginner’s slopes would open only the next day or so we were told when we reached the counter for the ski pass. "Whatever..we're here so let’s try it out" said I. A slope called Morenia was recommended to be the easiest available place to try.

In retrospect, BAD decision. We could have easily ended up dead. On a slope gravity is your enemy and your friend. One wrong move and it’s ‘bye bye cruel world’. Climbing the ski lift we took silly photographs trying to get the pro skiing look. Even though I would give myself 10 points for style, it is saddening that I will do anything for a facebook picture.

Walking onto the slope we boldly plonked the skis down and strapped our boots in. This was going to be awesome. Then I started sliding backwards. Panicking I dug my ski sticks into the ice to no avail. Gathering speed I fell backwards under the wood platform outside the restaurant. Luckily for me it wasn't a full out drop or I wouldn't be writing this. An embarrassed smile and a cheery" I'm fine" was the best I could manage to reassure the worried faces looking down on me from the platform.

Falling isn't the hard part about learning to ski. Falling is easy and for me it was effortless. But as in life the hardest part is getting back up.

It was plenty of entertainment for a large group of snowboarders sitting outside the Morenia Restaurant. There was constant laughter whenever I managed to fall in a new and interesting way but also some cheers when I managed to stay up on the skis for a bit.

Finally when I decided to take a break and went in for a Coke, I wondered whether they could possibly offer me some advice. I sauntered over to them. "Could you tell me how to turn?" I inquired. Turns out they don't speak much English. "We are snowboarders, not skiers" one of them managed. "Never mind then" I said. "Where are you from?" One of them wanted to know. "India" I replied to much murmuring, "…and you are Germans, I think?". "Swiss Germans" he corrected. I detected the slightest hint of pride. "So… why are you here?" he asked half wonderingly and half sarcastically.

It irritated me a bit that he would consider it incredible for someone like me to be there on that slope with him. I really wanted to make him understand that in the future there would be many more Indians on the slopes as in every other field that we have excelled in.

I could have lectured him for hours on how India was an emerging economy with strong growth and a powerful democracy with a larger youth population than that of the whole of Switzerland and how we would, along with China, soon be one of the two largest economies in the world, but I didn't think it would have left any impression, given the little English that he understood. I had to convey it in much simpler terms.

"Why!?," I countered with false surprise," Why NOT?" as I picked up my gear for one more try on the slope.

cushion of safety

I know these are tough times for the Indian Airline Industry, but some cost cutting measures can border on the outright ludicrous. I recently had the pleasure of travelling by Jet Lite from Mumbai and their latest in cheap really chilled my spine!

Being really tired I was just about to doze off during the pre-flight briefing when I heard the announcer say it.

" Between Rows xxx and yyy we have removed all life jackets! Instead we give you the amazing floating seat cushion!! It makes a water landing a fun filled experience for the whole family!" With two plastic strips that are too wide to be of any use, you'll just have to hug the cushion for dear life till help get here!

In fact, for that added thrill, we make it a little more challenging for rescue teams to save you. We did away with the lights on the vest to make it virtually impossible to see you in the dark.

Have a nice flight!"

Looking at the air hostess running through the drill, I wondered how she could keep a straight face while asking people to use that piece of junk.

I mean just think what would happen if there were kids on board. Obviously they can't hug a seat cushion. And only if your dad was an olympic gymnast could he hold u and your kid brother while hugging a seat that just may float. But that picture makes it look all too easy.
I mean how hard can it be?! In fact I can run you through it right now:

Step I: The plane's just crashed onto water. Fires have started in the electricals and smoke is filling the cabin. Don't mind the disorientation of dropping oh say, 20,000 feet~! and crashing onto something that would have the consistency of concrete under those conditions...Just remain calm and start tugging your seat while people around you calmly do the same.

Step II: If you manage to rip off the seat from its place, put your arms around the seat and hug it with all your strength because standard issue seat cushions aren't going to be a snug fit.

Step III: In this fashion exit the aircraft from the aircraft and dive into the sea.

Step IV: Enjoy your swim! This is aptly illustrated by the fully dressed man looking comfortable in the picturesque blue sea, lying on the cushion just as if he were on his living room sofa.

It was enough to make the strongest atheist start praying. But when I looked around people were still as relaxed and nonchalant as ever. It wasn't like we could have immediately done anything about it but even showing the slightest concern to match the frozen expression on my face would have been nice. I guess fatalism is still in vogue.